My First Day As A Psychologist

Actually that's not entirely true, I have had many...let us not forget I have an extensive background in bar tending. A couple of days ago I received a frantic phone call from my friend Sherrie, who I may add I have not heard from in awhile. She was someone I met when I was working for a design company in Scottsdale. Not an acquaintance, not a close friend, but we hang out occasionally. She was extremely distraught and needed to talk to somebody. In the back of my mind I'm thinking that the fifteen people ahead of me on the friend list may not have been available when I answered the phone, however she was clearly upset and I listened. Shortly you will understand why, this was a specific problem...
"My daughter says she's a lesbian", she tells me while she is sobbing hysterically. Hmmmmmmmm, this is why she called. WOW, and now I don't know what to say because I have a million different responses. So I carefully siphon through them to try and figure out how to calm her down...but let's review a few of my thoughts here.

Response #1: OMG Sherrie!!! Let's book her immediately into Sarah Palin's church boot camp to cure homosexuality. She could be a danger to society.
Response #2: Sherrie, I know this is a shock but try and think of it this way...She is just switching teams, it's not any different than Jonny Damon switching from the NY Yankees to the Detroit Tigers. He's still a great ball player.
Response #3: No, the fact that you neglected to breast feed her as a child is not the reason she is gay.
Response #4: Sherrie, muff diving isn't bad. It's just an acquired taste...some have said it taste like chicken.

I started thinking maybe these were not the responses one might want to hear so I just listened. Here is the scenario, her daughter is 20, went to study a semester overseas and met someone really special. She just happened to be female. Sherrie says "how does she know, she's just a kid". Well this is true because to a mother she will always be just a kid, but maybe she knows like I knew at 17, that this was the way life was going to be. "She's a political science major, this will kill her career", ummmmmm not necessarily, check out Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir Iceland first openly gay Prime Minister.
Then the next question..."what did your parents do when you told them"? Insert sarcasm here..."Sherrie they were ecstatic, my dad was jumping around on the couch like Tom Cruise was when professing his love for Katie Holmes on the Oprah Winfred Show". Then for a second I kind of understood my parents position. Like Sherrie, they were looking out for the best interest for their child, and confusion, guilt and anger all followed because of lack of knowledge and understanding. I explained to her that while this may be difficult for her to understand at the moment because she is struggling with answers on why this happened, she needs to understand that her daughter is also struggling with her own set of issues on how to be true to herself and be happy in life. It's a big adjustment on both sides, but from my experience personally it's made a very strong bond between me and my parents. Sherrie is an open minded person and over time it will work out, it's called unconditional love. I have no doubt that the two of them will work through this and laugh about it someday. And her daughter will be able to claim that the big cluster of gray hairs that will appear just over Sherrie’s left ear will chronicle this event in their lives.
Now some of you may be reading this and thinking "yeah well what do you know my experience was completely opposite of your". I am not blind to the fact that there are parents who do not respond this way, I had a partner for over 6 years who had a mediocre (at best) relationship with her parents. My question to you is every time you get handed lemons are you going to keep them or are you going to make some gourmet lemonade out of them?

Dating Etiquette 101

Ok people…I see this so much in the restaurant business and time and time again I cannot understand it. So let’s get back to the basics here. When YOU ask a man, woman, or significant other out on a date it is usually because you want to spend “QUALITY TIME” with that person. Maybe get to know them better if it’s someone new. Am I correct in assuming this??? I think I am unless I am just living in a completely different universe.
Two nights ago I observed a couple sitting in a booth, reading over the dinner menu. Our server Beth approaches to introduce herself, points out some highlights on the menu and takes their drink order. Seems normal right? Beth then goes to drop off their drinks and asks if they have any questions. They are not ready to order yet so she gives them a few more minutes. Then the fun starts…Cell phone rings and the surrounding tables are now subjected to hearing the obnoxious ring tone of “I‘m Too Sexy” by the Right Said Fred. Really??? Must I, as well as my other customers be subjected to this crap? Don’t you have a vibrate button? So Mr. Dumbass answers his phone and starts to carry on a lengthy conversation while server Beth hesitantly approaches the table to take their order. So his girlfriend decides to order her meal. Now any intelligent person would get the clue at this point to get off the phone but noooooooooooo, not Mr. Dumbass. And why is this you ask, well it’s because he is important, the center of the world, and is trying to impress his girl. He then holds up his hand to Beth as in saying one moment please. Two minutes later his girlfriend looks at him with her eyes wide open and giving him the “please get off the fucking phone” look. He points to an item on the menu and she orders for her man. Now forgive me for this next question because I realize my dating world is a little different from the heterosexual dating world, but wouldn’t it have been nice if he maybe ordered for her? So I start to think about what my perspective would be if I was in her shoes and my conclusion was…Hmmmmmmmmmm, I know who is not getting laid later. Dude you have fun with that vibrating phone and Rosey Palm and her five friends tonight. I’m going to meet up with my girlfriends later.
Now for me when I am dating , if the person I am with does that, unless I know ahead of time that maybe it is a work related issue or it involves their children if they have any, you will be DISQUALIFIED. I am here with you because you asked me and I like you enough to give you my time that you asked for. If I asked you, well I’m not going to apologize for being perturbed about that because I am expecting you to give me your time that I asked for from you. Oh and this etiquette should apply too and not exclude those long standing couples either.
My point is, well if you are that self absorbed socially, and more concerned about what is going on with your friends and their social lives, then go hang out with them at a bar and order some pizzas. Don’t take your girl/guy out to a nice place for dinner and disrespect them like that. You are being rude to them as well as to the staff and other patrons who are visiting that establishment. Show some class people.

Michael Jackson Sang What?

Ever listen to a song that you love and you are singing away, and then you come to that dreaded part where the lyrics are incomprehensible? Well when you are alone and singing there usually is nobody around to embarrass yourself in front of, but when your with you friends and you are trying to be cool, what do you do? Now most people will usually start talking at that point to cover up the fact that they don't know the lyrics. Others may clear their throat. Some might even be bold enough to say to their friend...

Hey Tyler, what is he saying there?

Now if Tyler is a good friend he will tell you what those lyrics are, but if Tyler is a "tool" he might respond with...

Dude Really, it's a classic. Come on, you don't know what he's saying? Hey guys Jason doesn't know the words to the song.

Translation, "I don't know what the lyrics are either but I'm going to make you look like a douche bag to take the heat off of me". Your friends have a good laugh at your expense and you secretly vow, with a tear in your eye, to never be unprepared again. From now on when there is a song where the lyrics seem to baffle you, you will quickly pull up the Internet on your phone and find them. Not only will you dazzle everyone but you will earn the right to shoot them that look of "Come on guys, everyone know these lyrics".
This past Friday I was meeting my friend Melissa for some coffee. We have not seen each other for some time and it was time to catch up on, you know, girl stuff. While we are sitting there drinking our lattes and talking there was a great mix of background music playing. So we are sitting there bopping our heads and then it happened...
Don't Stop Til You Get Enough, vintage Michael Jackson - how awesome, what a great song. Now I was like 9 years old when this came out and I started having flashbacks of me roller skating to this with my satin baseball jacket on. Melissa and I are close to they same age so we start laughing while we are reminiscing about our childhood and then then dreaded chorus comes on and Melissa sings "Keep it up, like the porn stars do, don't stop till you get enough!" At this point my eyes get huge and I literally spit my coffee out. "Excuse me Melissa, what did you say?" at which she proceeds to repeat herself. Now I know his voice is high during this song and some parts of the song are hard to understand, and I can honestly say I don't know 100% of the lyrics, but I also know he is not talking about porn stars. So now I am laughing and she is too but she says "Diva what is he saying?" So we wait for the chorus again and sure as shit it almost could sound like he is saying "Keep it up, like the porn stars do..." So when I did get home I looked the lyrics up...

Touch Me And I Feel On Fire
Ain't Nothin' Like A Love Desire (Ooh)
I'm Melting (I'm Melting)
Like Hot Candle Wax Sensation (Ah Sensation)
Lovely Where We're At (Ooh)
So Let Love Take Us Through The Hours
I Won't Be Complanin'
'Cause This Is Love Power (Ooh)
[Chorus]
Keep On With The Force Don't Stop
Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough

Well, I don't know, potentially it could work. Don't you think? What I do know is that I probably will never be able to listen to that song again and not sing her version of it. Thanks Melissa, you permanently put my mind in the gutter.

Sofa Song

Earlier today I was sweeping the kitchen floor and listening to The Kooks on Itunes. Right as I am air guitaring with the broom to the "Sofa Song" I started thinking about bartending a few years ago. This song triggered my memory back to a rather monumental victory one evening between me and a fellow co-worker of mine...and yes I am going to tell you all about it.
Now I am going to change the names to protect the innocent and save him from the embarrassment that is about to ensue...
Diva Blue and fellow bartender Jacob were bartending on a Thursday night. Traffic was slowing down for the evening and Jacob was getting ready to finish up the last of his duties so he could leave. In walks a very attractive young lady with a text book and binder in her hand. She promptly sits at the bar and I walk over to ask her if I can help her. While she is looking over the wine list she tells me she would like to place a takeout order. I grab a menu and offer my assistance in helping her select a glass of wine to drink while she waits. After all, it's my job, right? She chooses a Cabernet. I pour it and leave her to look over the menu. Jacob is washing glasses and hasn't really been paying attention to what is going on. I go over a few minutes later, she orders, I ask her how she likes the wine and then we proceed to have a lengthy discussion about certain vintages and wine making regions in Europe and South Africa. So I then excuse myself to go put her take out order together. In the meantime Jacob noticed her and I come back out and he's talking away with her. I walk over and hand it to her and she looks dead at me and tells me she thinks she wants to eat it here. I give her a half cocked smile, set her a place setting, and walk away to make some drinks. Jacob in the meantime follows me and says, "She's cute! I'm going to get her number." I just start laughing and think to myself you know what, she would rather have mine. My instinct tells me she is not the least bit interested in him but why burst this young man's ego and potentially damage him for life. I just found it so entertaining that I felt no need to clue him in.
Now I know what you are thinking..."Oh how mean Diva" or "typical fucking lesbian man hater", blah, blah, blah. You know what, here's the fact of the matter. Jacob is a very good looking young man, a good friend of mine, and NO I DON'T HATE MEN! I have plenty of good male friends who I adore, but face it, men think very differently than woman do and sometimes they just don't have a clue about what is really going on around them when it comes to the opposite sex. Plus it was so damn amusing just watching him crash and burn.
Anyway Jacob had to run to the back cooler to get beer to stock the bar with and now the diva bartender and the attractive young lady are all alone making google eyes at each other. He comes back out and she and I are laughing. She finishes up her dinner, I clear her plates, tell her it was nice to meet her, cash her out and say goodnight. I run into the kitchen and Jacob follows and he asked what we were laughing about. I replied "Girl Stuff Jacob". Then I ask with a huge smile on my face "Any luck getting her number"? He just mumbles "No". We walk back out to the bar, he starts doing the glasses again and I go to clean up the last remnants of the attractive young lady. There on the bar lies a business card, her name was Dominique. "Hey Jacob, come here" I yelled to him! "What? No Way,she left her number?" I said "Let's see." I flip the card over and there is a note...Diva, I enjoyed the conversation and maybe we can have a drink sometime, call me. I pissed myself I was laughing so hard. He was so full of disbelief and said "For Real? For Fucking Real Diva"!? To which I replied "Jacob, That one stung huh, sorry. What can I say? Obviously I'm just cuter" Let the truth be known, she likes my side of the sofa better. The whole restaurant staff did not let him live that one down for a long time.

Flat Stanley & Georgia O'Keefe

My best friend calls me last week and asked "can you do me a huge favor?" Well now of course I can cause that's what we do for each other. Her 1st grader and his class are doing a project called Flat Stanley. Ever hear of it?? Me either, but if you would like to know more about it check this out www.flatstanleyproject.com. Apparently this bulletin board fell on a kid and made him into a human pancake and he wanted to go on vacation so his family put him in an envelope and mailed him off. A lot cheaper than airfare eh? So now he's this famous world traveler. So the kids send him off to learn about new, wild and exotic places. So where does he land, that's right, you got it, the wildest place in Arizona, my home. So he gets here and he's flat, really flat, I mean paper thin. My first instinct as an Italian is to feed this kid a big bowl of pasta. However I don't because he was also naked, very naked. Part of the project requires him to be dressed in clothes representing where he is visiting. So I dress him up, I make him a pair of shorts, a T-shirt with info about Arizona, and a cowboy hat. I'm all proud of myself and upon admiring my work I am noticing there is something rather erotic and sexual about Flat Stanley. I didn't notice this before I dressed him. It just popped up all the sudden. Uh huh, this is when the lightbulb goes on in my head and I revert back to art history class in college. Georgia O'Keefe!!!! Now I am noooooo Georgia O'Keefe, but her art was also very sexual and she lived in the southwest. Follow me?? If you don't, stare at her painting at the top of the page, you'll figure it out. So while I think I'm putting the state plant and the state nickname on his T-shirt for educational purposes, my mind sees one hell of a big cactus sticking out of this cowboys pants and he is proudly smiling at me like he can really fill that Grand Canyon. You know what, I don't have kids and my mind is not conditioned for a "G" rating so I'm sending him off and hoping for the best. Good luck on your journey Flat Stanley.