Michael Jackson Sang What?

Ever listen to a song that you love and you are singing away, and then you come to that dreaded part where the lyrics are incomprehensible? Well when you are alone and singing there usually is nobody around to embarrass yourself in front of, but when your with you friends and you are trying to be cool, what do you do? Now most people will usually start talking at that point to cover up the fact that they don't know the lyrics. Others may clear their throat. Some might even be bold enough to say to their friend...

Hey Tyler, what is he saying there?

Now if Tyler is a good friend he will tell you what those lyrics are, but if Tyler is a "tool" he might respond with...

Dude Really, it's a classic. Come on, you don't know what he's saying? Hey guys Jason doesn't know the words to the song.

Translation, "I don't know what the lyrics are either but I'm going to make you look like a douche bag to take the heat off of me". Your friends have a good laugh at your expense and you secretly vow, with a tear in your eye, to never be unprepared again. From now on when there is a song where the lyrics seem to baffle you, you will quickly pull up the Internet on your phone and find them. Not only will you dazzle everyone but you will earn the right to shoot them that look of "Come on guys, everyone know these lyrics".
This past Friday I was meeting my friend Melissa for some coffee. We have not seen each other for some time and it was time to catch up on, you know, girl stuff. While we are sitting there drinking our lattes and talking there was a great mix of background music playing. So we are sitting there bopping our heads and then it happened...
Don't Stop Til You Get Enough, vintage Michael Jackson - how awesome, what a great song. Now I was like 9 years old when this came out and I started having flashbacks of me roller skating to this with my satin baseball jacket on. Melissa and I are close to they same age so we start laughing while we are reminiscing about our childhood and then then dreaded chorus comes on and Melissa sings "Keep it up, like the porn stars do, don't stop till you get enough!" At this point my eyes get huge and I literally spit my coffee out. "Excuse me Melissa, what did you say?" at which she proceeds to repeat herself. Now I know his voice is high during this song and some parts of the song are hard to understand, and I can honestly say I don't know 100% of the lyrics, but I also know he is not talking about porn stars. So now I am laughing and she is too but she says "Diva what is he saying?" So we wait for the chorus again and sure as shit it almost could sound like he is saying "Keep it up, like the porn stars do..." So when I did get home I looked the lyrics up...

Touch Me And I Feel On Fire
Ain't Nothin' Like A Love Desire (Ooh)
I'm Melting (I'm Melting)
Like Hot Candle Wax Sensation (Ah Sensation)
Lovely Where We're At (Ooh)
So Let Love Take Us Through The Hours
I Won't Be Complanin'
'Cause This Is Love Power (Ooh)
[Chorus]
Keep On With The Force Don't Stop
Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough

Well, I don't know, potentially it could work. Don't you think? What I do know is that I probably will never be able to listen to that song again and not sing her version of it. Thanks Melissa, you permanently put my mind in the gutter.

Sofa Song

Earlier today I was sweeping the kitchen floor and listening to The Kooks on Itunes. Right as I am air guitaring with the broom to the "Sofa Song" I started thinking about bartending a few years ago. This song triggered my memory back to a rather monumental victory one evening between me and a fellow co-worker of mine...and yes I am going to tell you all about it.
Now I am going to change the names to protect the innocent and save him from the embarrassment that is about to ensue...
Diva Blue and fellow bartender Jacob were bartending on a Thursday night. Traffic was slowing down for the evening and Jacob was getting ready to finish up the last of his duties so he could leave. In walks a very attractive young lady with a text book and binder in her hand. She promptly sits at the bar and I walk over to ask her if I can help her. While she is looking over the wine list she tells me she would like to place a takeout order. I grab a menu and offer my assistance in helping her select a glass of wine to drink while she waits. After all, it's my job, right? She chooses a Cabernet. I pour it and leave her to look over the menu. Jacob is washing glasses and hasn't really been paying attention to what is going on. I go over a few minutes later, she orders, I ask her how she likes the wine and then we proceed to have a lengthy discussion about certain vintages and wine making regions in Europe and South Africa. So I then excuse myself to go put her take out order together. In the meantime Jacob noticed her and I come back out and he's talking away with her. I walk over and hand it to her and she looks dead at me and tells me she thinks she wants to eat it here. I give her a half cocked smile, set her a place setting, and walk away to make some drinks. Jacob in the meantime follows me and says, "She's cute! I'm going to get her number." I just start laughing and think to myself you know what, she would rather have mine. My instinct tells me she is not the least bit interested in him but why burst this young man's ego and potentially damage him for life. I just found it so entertaining that I felt no need to clue him in.
Now I know what you are thinking..."Oh how mean Diva" or "typical fucking lesbian man hater", blah, blah, blah. You know what, here's the fact of the matter. Jacob is a very good looking young man, a good friend of mine, and NO I DON'T HATE MEN! I have plenty of good male friends who I adore, but face it, men think very differently than woman do and sometimes they just don't have a clue about what is really going on around them when it comes to the opposite sex. Plus it was so damn amusing just watching him crash and burn.
Anyway Jacob had to run to the back cooler to get beer to stock the bar with and now the diva bartender and the attractive young lady are all alone making google eyes at each other. He comes back out and she and I are laughing. She finishes up her dinner, I clear her plates, tell her it was nice to meet her, cash her out and say goodnight. I run into the kitchen and Jacob follows and he asked what we were laughing about. I replied "Girl Stuff Jacob". Then I ask with a huge smile on my face "Any luck getting her number"? He just mumbles "No". We walk back out to the bar, he starts doing the glasses again and I go to clean up the last remnants of the attractive young lady. There on the bar lies a business card, her name was Dominique. "Hey Jacob, come here" I yelled to him! "What? No Way,she left her number?" I said "Let's see." I flip the card over and there is a note...Diva, I enjoyed the conversation and maybe we can have a drink sometime, call me. I pissed myself I was laughing so hard. He was so full of disbelief and said "For Real? For Fucking Real Diva"!? To which I replied "Jacob, That one stung huh, sorry. What can I say? Obviously I'm just cuter" Let the truth be known, she likes my side of the sofa better. The whole restaurant staff did not let him live that one down for a long time.

Flat Stanley & Georgia O'Keefe

My best friend calls me last week and asked "can you do me a huge favor?" Well now of course I can cause that's what we do for each other. Her 1st grader and his class are doing a project called Flat Stanley. Ever hear of it?? Me either, but if you would like to know more about it check this out www.flatstanleyproject.com. Apparently this bulletin board fell on a kid and made him into a human pancake and he wanted to go on vacation so his family put him in an envelope and mailed him off. A lot cheaper than airfare eh? So now he's this famous world traveler. So the kids send him off to learn about new, wild and exotic places. So where does he land, that's right, you got it, the wildest place in Arizona, my home. So he gets here and he's flat, really flat, I mean paper thin. My first instinct as an Italian is to feed this kid a big bowl of pasta. However I don't because he was also naked, very naked. Part of the project requires him to be dressed in clothes representing where he is visiting. So I dress him up, I make him a pair of shorts, a T-shirt with info about Arizona, and a cowboy hat. I'm all proud of myself and upon admiring my work I am noticing there is something rather erotic and sexual about Flat Stanley. I didn't notice this before I dressed him. It just popped up all the sudden. Uh huh, this is when the lightbulb goes on in my head and I revert back to art history class in college. Georgia O'Keefe!!!! Now I am noooooo Georgia O'Keefe, but her art was also very sexual and she lived in the southwest. Follow me?? If you don't, stare at her painting at the top of the page, you'll figure it out. So while I think I'm putting the state plant and the state nickname on his T-shirt for educational purposes, my mind sees one hell of a big cactus sticking out of this cowboys pants and he is proudly smiling at me like he can really fill that Grand Canyon. You know what, I don't have kids and my mind is not conditioned for a "G" rating so I'm sending him off and hoping for the best. Good luck on your journey Flat Stanley.